Little Things

Here's the first really,really personal blog ....
I have been struggling a lot lately getting myself motivated to work. It's a combination of things really- the loneliness of painting without community, the unrelenting heat, the super busy schedule that I have had the last few weeks ( 13 days straight work each day...), the intimidation of the white canvas....
But the real reason for my funk is me.
Is what I do worth the effort and time? Is it worthy if no one sees it, buys it, wants it, likes it or understands it?
The voices in my head say, " You are good at you other job, just do that foolish woman and quit banging your head against the wall."
But when I think of that possibility....just working and then teaching kids art, which are noble and good...i get a tightness in my chest. Why, oh Why would God put a desire to paint in my heart if it was futile and unworthy?
It has been a very difficult month. Dryness in my heart. Dryness in the land.Dryness in my creativity
....and then, driving out to a community far away i saw them....Jicaro trees. Really not that pretty. No great fruit and they have been brown and dead-like for months.. And all of them are bursting with green! Shades of pale shimmery greens. The little whisper of rain we have had was all they needed to burst forth in song.
And so did my heart...
So I took what I had, and started small. A colored pencil sketch, a leap of faith that creativity will not abandon me. A Jicaro tree.
Here is the start...I hope my efforts in the little things is enough.

for my peeps in Spanish...

Aquí está mi primeral blog muy personal ...He estado luchando mucho últimamente meterme motivados para trabajar. Es una combinación de cosas realmente- la soledad de la pintura sin comunidad, el calor implacable, el horario muy ocupado que he tenido en las últimas semanas (13 días de trabajo directo cada día ...), la intimidación de la cuadra blanca .. ..
Pero la verdadera razón de mi problema, soy yo.
Es lo que hago vale la pena el esfuerzo y el tiempo? Es digno si nadie lo ve, lo compra, lo quiere, le gusta o lo entiende?
Las voces en mi cabeza dice: "Tú eres bueno en que otro trabajo, acaba de hacer esa mujer tonta y salir golpearse la cabeza contra la pared."
Pero cuando pienso en esa posibilidad .... sólo trabajando y luego enseñar a los niños, que son arte noble y bueno ... me sale una opresión en el pecho. ¿Por qué, oh ¿Por qué Dios puso el deseo de pintar en mi corazón si era inútil e indigno?
Ha sido un mes muy, muy difícil. Sequedad en mi corazón. Sequedad en la tierra. Sequedad en mi creatividad
.... Y luego, fui a una comunidad muy lejos y los vi .... árboles  de Jicaro. Realmente no son tan bonitas. Sin grandes frutos y han sido de color marrón y muerto como por meses .. Y todos ellos se llena de verde! Sombras de verdes con brillo pálido. El pequeño susurro de la lluvia que hemos tenido era todo lo que necesitaban para estallar en una canción.
Y también lo hizo mi corazón ...
Así que tomó lo que tenía, y comenzó pequeña. Un dibujo con lápiz de color, un acto de fe que la creatividad no me abandonará. Un árbol Jícaro.
Esto es el comienzo ... Espero que mis esfuerzos en las cosas pequeñas son suficiente.

Rain Rain Come our way! Do not wait or delay!

Well sunny Chinandega is just that- sunny and though we have been teased with a few showers the true "winter" rains have not yet arrived. The air feels heavy, dense and full of languid promise. I have prayed for rain like a pregnant women praying for her labor to begin. The earth can't seem to burst open until abundant rains come.  

The night is the only cool time and I am entranced by the flowers and how they play with the moonlight. It feels surreal and with the noises of our neighbors, the birds settling and the faint music of our neighbors radio and the occasional cackle of laughter or a mom yelling at her child, the evening hours are still and hopeful.

"Night Garden"

I will continue to pray for rain, as it is the only relief from the heat.

It feels like a promise and i am hopeful it comes soon....fully and with great joy, to drench the earth....

(detail of an oil I am slowly working on...)