Bound Up

 I watched the fan, silently blowing on the family in La Danta and the community advocates as they ate their lunch together. The family’s daughters ran back and forth from the table bringing photos for me to admire-the serious and smiling captured -bound in the moment- forever.

And the fan silently ran, but it too was bound in a different way. Tightly tied up and zip tied to not rattle and shake and create a crazy noise that would have intruded on the happy space of the slow lunch.
All I could think of is how it has been bound up but that this is not a “good” fix. 

We do this to ourselves and each other. We bind up the noise and the pain and the anger to silence it. We run smoothly for a while- as individuals and as communities and countries until the cord or ribbon snaps and all hell breaks loose. -If you have ever been around a fan that you have bound up (like the one I taped up to stop rattling) you will know the terror when It all snaps and the grinding starts, and the fan’s cover falls off, and the whole thing rattles to the ground in a dangerous and shrieking death throes. -

My friend Monchita gently asked me if her husband could take the time to fix my broken fans. I relented but I felt bad asking him. My pride said I should know how to fix a stupid rattling fan. But I relented, and when I returned one day my fans were humming happily along. 
Harmonic music of wind.

And it hit me watching that bound up fan run diligently.
How often do I refuse to let God fix my heart? I barrel through my life, binding up my hurts and anger and resentments. Like a badge of honor, I hold my zip ties and string -my mental metals- never realizing I have imprisoned myself in my attempts to fix myself. My pride the gatekeeper who swallows the key.
All I must do is ask God to take the time to oil my heart, clean my eyes, rework the mental processes that are rattling in my head like nails in a jar. To send His Son or a wiser person than I for healing. 
Take the time. And humbly let God take the control. We as humans and societies don’t like that. We want to do it ourselves. 
But we won’t last long. We burn out our motors or snap apart in a frenetic death rattle. 

Like a fan, recently fixed by God , I BECAME a kintsugi bowl. More precious and beautiful than I ever was before, and more harmonious in my world. But I had to ask God in to take me apart and then fix me anew. To create Anew what was not working well.

And like a fan I am learning and guessing I will have to do this again and again, lest I become a danger to others and myself as I spin daily through this life.

Humbleness is not easy. But the peace of humming the tune God has meant for me in His orchestra is the prize. 
I don’t want to be a bound-up fan, but instead the song and the breeze.

The Colors I Choose

After 12 years of paint, my palette is getting cleaned. For years I would add the paint needed in each well, or remove a dried color and add a fresh squeeze. Viridian, ocher, sap and sepia. My palette reflected me. The colors I chose and used to paint the world I see.

So at the Laguna de Apoyo I knew it was time to clean. Scraping, scrubbing and then resting in a soapy bath. Little by little my palette was clean.

But not completely. 

The stains of my colors remain. Corners filled with magenta and permanent rose, cerulean and raw umber....hints of my past color choices slip through.

And this is good. A future can never be built on a completely new tide. each wave makes the ocean.  It is the past that will color our world.

Someone once said to me that every thought, every action, ripples out into your life and touches the lives of others bouncing back to you. So choose wisely. If I could tell young Sabrina anything, it would be this.

I can fill my clean palette with fresh paint, but the colors of the past shine through still. And this is ok.

I can choose. How I act, how I think, how I live and love. I can choose the colors that will paint the world I see, built up in the tints and stains of the past.

I choose YOU Oh great Infinite One.

I choose to paint love.

Balance

Choose wisely...and choose love.

Weaved into Life

“In everything, give thanks” Paul 1Thesalonians 5:18

I used to do a lot of weavings with art. I would make a perfectly fine picture and then cut it up. Only to take the pieces and weave them together to make something new. Something more complex. Almost always something better.

So, here we go….

I have begun to see the blessings of Covid 19.

Please don’t immediately take offense- deaths are never welcome, especially early ones. Unexpected ones. Tragic ones. But death is inevitable. Mine is inevitable.

But personally, I have begun to give thanks for this crisis. My father pointed out the Chinese character for crisis also is the same symbol for opportunity. I am not sure if this is true but it if it is,how apropos.

How did this crisis change us? What opportunity does it present us?

Without shying away, I looked at my own life. I deeply believe it mirrors most.

I had the chance to look at my relationship with time. Do I treasure it? Am I using it wisely? Does my schedule run me? Do I wrap my identity in what I do, or how busy I am? 

I learned I be a woman unhurried. A woman who does one thing at a time…AND appreciates it.

Wash the plate.

Chop the vegetable.

Read one thing at a time.

I can create a realistic schedule that honors not only my time, but my relationships and my health.

I had the chance to look at my relationship to the earth. Do I honor her resources? Am I truly trying to decrease my carbon print on the world? Do I recognize that what I do now will affect my grandbabies?

I asked honestly, can I use less? Yes, I need less. Less shopping. Less food. Less travel. Less AC. Just Less.

If I can truly live within my needs, I leave enough for the future to fulfill their needs.

I had the chance to look at my health and habits. Because everything I read about this virus shows me that how I treat my body will be reflected in how this virus feeds off my choices.

Can I choose what I put into my body? The food. The toxins. The diet I feed my body AND my mind? Yes, I have the control. I can turn off the news. The incessant chatter. The fear and the anxiety. I can feed myself health. Quiet. Calm. Hope. Trust in God. Fresh real food and drink. Birdsong. Stars. Music. Art. The simple pleasures of the day. It is a gift to accept these into me.

I had the chance to look at my inner and outer life.

I can say no to politicizing everything.

I can be quiet.

I can say no to hurriedness.

I can ALWAYS choose kindness.

I can listen without anticipating what my answer or rebuttal will be.

I can let God into my mind and my heart.

I can enjoy the gifts of the earth and be fine with enough.

I can be generous to those who humble jobs kept me going.

I can choose to LOVE others, and be

a light and a calm in the storms of life.

I pray for our world, for my home country, that we all take this OPPORTUNITY to decide who we want to be as a people and as a country.

One that says no to politicizing everything.

One that chooses at times to be quiet.

One that says no to hurriedness.

One that ALWAYS choose kindness.

One that let God into our minds and hearts.

One that enjoy the gifts of the earth and is fine with enough. One that honors those who have the humble jobs that kept us all going, and one that chooses to have enough personally and be generous so that all can have enough to survive.

One that chooses to LOVE others and becomes a light and a calm in future storms.

Back to the art….

I started weaving again. But this time I chose differently. The cloth from a favorite old tablecloth. The feather from a pet bird that I loved and lost. The palms from my potted plant and part of a necklace from the unexpectedly sweet visit to my son in Peru. The paper from a fellow artist from the studio I had to leave behind. 

I could take all the old and weave something beautiful. Something sacred from all the scraps of the past.

But …I also choose gold threads. They represented my life. My yearning to be a part of something more in my small part in this world. Woven into the fabric of life and time.

Weaved 1

I choose what I would make in this future weaving of life. Cut up the past and weave a new life.

It is my choice.

It is also yours.

I, like Paul, give thanks.

I choose to use this opportunity to weave a kind, health-filled and generous future.

I choose to trust and see this as this opportunity as my chance to live the life that is a part of something beautiful. 

My gold thread will be a part of the whole. It will make it more. Better. Beautiful.

What will you do?

Pitaya the Super Hero Fruit!

I have been pulled into a vortex of creative videos and cooking. Strange combo I know, but when the Creative Spirit comes a-knocking, you do not EVER close the door on her!

So here is my latest strange foray into cooking with the dragon fruit or the Pitaya, as it is called here. And making a video about it! 

Pitaya the Super Hero Fruit

Enjoy the recipes and comment if you create others!

As they say in Nicaragua "Salud!"

Pitaya Sorbet

Puree in blender 1 large pitaya or frozen pitaya, 2 medium frozen bananas and a drizzle of honey to taste. Freeze or eat!

Pitaya Salad

Fresh greens chopped fresh pitaya, gorgonzola or feta crumbles, walnuts and pitaya salad dressing.

Pitaya salad dressing

Blend: 1/2 chopped pitaya, ¼ cup good balsamic, ¼ extra virgin olive oil. Add salt to taste

Chocolate Pitaya Alternative brownies;

Mix in a bowl:

1 cup chopped pitayas, 1 cup raw pureed beets, ¾ cup brown or raw sugar, ½ cup cocoa powder, 1 cup raw oats. Mix well and add 2 eggs. Bake at 180 c for 40 minutes

Spicy Dragon fruit Ceviche

Mix in metal or glass bowl: ½ pound fresh white fish, 1 small finely chopped onion, 3 cloves finely chopped garlic, 1 tsp salt. Add enough lime juice to cover and the zest of one lime, Fold in ½ medium pitaya. Place in refrigerator for 24 hours and stir 2-3 times. Serve with crackers. May be doubled or tripled. This is enough for 2 for a hearty appetizer. Red snapper is also an alternative fish. You can add ½-1 chopped jalapeno to give this some fire! 

Pitaya Smoothies

Blend 1 cup of pitaya with 1 banana and juice of 1 lime. Add any other fruit or yogurt to taste

Pitaya Chia Protein Bowl

Add ¼ cup of Chia seeds to 1 cup of plain Greek Yogurt or Vanilla yogurt. Mix in a few tablespoons of any type of milk. Set in the refrigerator overnight. Add chopped fresh or frozen pitaya to this and serve. You can add other fresh fruit or some honey for sweetness.

Be healthy and enjoy the goodness that God offers ya'll! MmmmmI wonder if I can creat a Pitaya Margarita????? 😋

Symbiotic Life

I was on retreat last week in the mountains of Matagalpa Nicaragua. The climate is from another world for us Chinandegans. Cool and breezy. Misty and wet. At night 2 blankets were a must and showers in cold water felt like a mini torture [so i cheated and brought a bucket and an electric tea pot!]

But what I noticed the most was the symbiosis of life there.

The moss on the rocks and the orchids in the trees. The lichens growing on the coffee branches.

 And I started to think....why don't i see this more in my daily life? 

The reality is that ALL of life is symbiotic. The bacteria in my gut lives because i feed it and it digests my food.

The Trees in my yard allow birds to live there and the birds are the reason I don't trim the tree too much [smart trees!]

The ants aerate the soil that grow my oregano, which loves good drainage.

ALL of our lives are like this, but we are too blind to see. The friends build us up so we can have confidence and we do the same for them.

The company offered us a job and we can flourish and grow the company.

The husband and wife continue to love and support each other helping them become the version that Christ wants.

The stranger opens our minds so we see the world in a new light. The neighbor gives us consistency and a cup of sugar in a fast paced life. The child offers us a chance to expand our hearts and we offer them a chance to expand their wings.

Even in art- the water flows with the paint and creates new colors. The natural blend with the man made and creates something new.

And all i can think about now is how am I allowing the symbiosis to change me? Do I nurture it? Or do i fight it? Am i willing to allow my "soil" to be aerated and colors to mix so that I can become something new? Am i will to grow with instead of alone?

I hope as i mature and age i become more of a symbiote. I pray that i become more dependent on others and on the Holy Spirit until one day no one can see when I end and the miracle begins.

In he Belly of the Whale

It’s interesting to think that when we read the story of Jonah and the whale and we always think about the time inside the whale as being one of terror and fear. But really, I think he was told to be quiet for three days -whatever that three days we supposed to symbolize... 3 hours, days, months or years. Jonah was forced into quiet, forced into speechlessness, and all of his needs were met. He couldn’t rely on outside things anymore, and he also couldn’t rely on himself. He was also forced to Listen.

Sometimes it feels like we are in the belly of a whale, and all we want to change the situation. We want to control everything to be back to where we were, but that’s just not always possible. The only way that we’re ever going to grow in deep faith is to trust and to sit quietly inside the belly and just let God be in charge. Listen first and not react. In fear or in anger.

I know a lot of people are inside the belly right now; they are in their “three days”. But please don’t be discouraged. Please know that we’re going to have lots of times when God allows a whale to swallows us, because He wants us to remember that HE is the ultimate master in charge of our lives. Even though we might think we are. Even though we might try to be in charge, in the end we have to trust God inside the whale and know he’ll split us out right back on land. Just where He wants us to be. When He wants us to be there to do what He wants us to do with Him. We have to wait. AND listen to GOD. Just like Jonah.

I believe that in the 4 parts of Jonah’s story, running away, in the belly, doing God’s will and then pouting afterwards, only when he was still and patient and listening, was God most present.

It’s just hard to sit in the belly and wait. I am waiting for my mom to be healed. I guess we are both in the belly together

Walking the Rebellious Dog

I walk my dog Mikey almost every day. From the moment I pick up the leash, he is prancing with joy. Though old and with failing vision he literally BOLTS out the door dragging me in unfettered glee for the first 100m feet. And then…

THE ABRUPT STOP.

He smells. He pees. He tries to eat garbage.

I give the leash a gentle tug or call his name and we repeat the above cycle.

Over and Over again, for the entire walk, we dance this dance.

Most days I am calm with this and I patiently wait for him and call his name… “Come on Mikey” and he responds to the gentle touch on the leash as we move on. Sometimes I have to tug a bit harder to help him avoid the really awful gross stuff in the road that must resemble McDonald French Fries to dog noses.

Sometimes I get irritated. “Really Mikey??? No!No! Don’t eat that!!! That is gross! Bad dogl! Come on!!!”, as I drag him away from where his nose is buried. “Doesn’t he know what these walks are for??? For his good? It’s our time together!” We talk (well, I do, and he listens) and we explore new roads and paths together.

And then today it hit me.

This is me with God.

I gleefully jump into my prayer time with God and am running in the first few minutes.

And then I get distracted. I ruminate over a comment someone made. I start to plan out my day. Or my grocery list. I daydream. I have conversations with people in my head.

God gently calls my name. Calls me back to Him a to walk together in prayer.

 Over and Over again, for the entire prayer time, we dance this dance.

The difference is that God doesn’t yank on my leash hard. He never even puts one on me. He doesn’t fuss at me “No!No! Sabrina!! Don’t think that!!! That is gross! Bad girl! Come on!!!”

He never drags me along. He gently calls my name. Calls me back to Him. Because these “walks” are not for Him, but for me. For my good. For my Peace. For my Creativity. 

It’s our time together. We explore new roads together.

Slowly I am learning to walk beside Him. Not run ahead. Not bury my nose in everything else.

But I am letting Him transform me. My art. My attitude. My life.

One prayer walk at a time.

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What do you do when God pierces your Heart?

Some days God just lets us have a pass...Good day.  Nice dinner. A Little tv. Sleep.

But......Some days HE pierces your Heart. And what comes out of the wound, is really what matters.

Julio giving out gifts

Yesterday I went with one of our workers, Julio Nayra and his family, to the children's cancer hospital on Managua. One awful day, about 2 1/2 years ago, he and his wife received the devastating news that their son, Sebastian, had leukemia. For months they traveled to and lived in this same hospital, praying for a miracle.
And it came. Their son was healed and is a normal happy "almost 4" little boy. The looks of gratitude on their faces is like nothing I could ever describe.

So Julio decided he wanted to give back.To serve in the way he knows how. He remembers the Christmas there and the sadness and the hunger. So each year since he organizes a toy drive at Amigos for Christ. He loads up a bus with all the toys on his day off, and hauls them 3 hours to Managua with his family to the hospital. He also takes oatmeal and giant bags of beans and rice, and little gift bags of basic necessities for the parents who must wait agonizingly long days. The look of raw pain on their faces is like nothing I could ever descibe.

Family watching the play

This year he also took the younger children from Villa Catalina that are part of the theater program as well.  14 Children ranging from 7 to 15 all piled onto the bus along with some of their parents to ride 3 hours to visit children they don't know in a hospital and perform a small play.They were in rapt joy on the ride to Managua pointing out" the lake!"..."Look at that volcano!"..."oooo That volcano!!!" They waited in the sun, laughing and eating popcorn. They loaded back into the bus for another 3 hour ride back....playing thumb wrestling and enjoying the breeze. One little boy said the best part of his day was giving out the gifts. The expressions of unudulterated happiness on their faces is like nothing I can describe.

Joy on the bus

My heart was pierced yesterday. So much gratitude. So much pain. So much joy was packed into 11 hours that it burst open  a bit more. If ever I was to receive a gift on Christmas, this was it. A reset. A fresh perspective. A chance to have my heart pierced like Christ's.

Yesterday was not an ordinary day.

Julio and Sebastian

Thank you Julio Nayra.

Beauty and Contentment.

How much beauty can our eyes behold before it is too much?

Before we recognize that the beauty before us , is enough?
The smile of a neighbor's baby.
The curve of the handle of your mug.
The particular blue of your sky and the wave of the branches of your tree in the yard.

So much beauty does not make me yearn to see more. Does not fuel a wanderlust in me.

12 moves in 52 years and 17 houses or apartments.

I have wandered enough.

The beauties most poignant are my children's hugs.
My granddaughter's huge smile when she sees me.
My husband laughing with my son in laws.
The crow in my yard and the pigeons in my garden.

How much beauty can our eyes behold before it is too much?
Before become numb? Before we recognize that endless experience does not equal endless happiness?

I have enough.
In all my blessings I see Beauty.
 And it is the Kingdom of God here and now.